Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
