he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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