dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
