The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
