I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
