Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
