Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
