i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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