I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
