i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
