You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Everyone says I win the strip club
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
