I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
