true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
