If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
