It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
