Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
