imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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