dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
