I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
