Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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