He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize