but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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