I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
