Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
