i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
