Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
