I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
