Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
