Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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