he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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