ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
