Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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