Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
God I need to hump something, right now.
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