I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
