I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
