Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
