nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
BRING THE BAGELS
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
