There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
