Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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