keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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