but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
