i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
