Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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