My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
