Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
