when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
