three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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