he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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