I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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