the condom got lost in my hair
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
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