I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
