i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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