Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
