no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Someone came in the potted fern
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
