Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The dick lei will go down in squad history
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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