The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
