I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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