If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
