Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
