I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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