Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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