I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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